my phone needs a breathalizer
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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