Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
