Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
