I hate your face
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
