So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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