remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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