Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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