God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
