The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
