It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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