i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
