You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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