She is in my trunk
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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