Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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