And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
