He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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