she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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