My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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