if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
