thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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