Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
