Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
