he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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