You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
