Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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