and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
