no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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