Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
