You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize