Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
