i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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