My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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