I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
