Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
