someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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