Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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