This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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