please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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