found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
