I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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