A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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