your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
