so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
