You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
