Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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