I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
