FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
