is your mom at the bar?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
