he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The Olympian is in my bed
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
