I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
