he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
