I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
