Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
